How To Write A Movie Review

Before I start this new endeavor of mine, I thought I’d see just how pretentious I came across when ranting about spoilers. It occurred to me the only movie review I’ve ever done was for a ghostwriting gig some months back, and while I got 5 stars from the client, I’m fairly certain it was for a pass/fail college course. A “let’s make our students well rounded citizens, nobody’s really going to read this but we appreciate your effort” sort of thing. If I remember correctly, it was nothing short of putting together a simple little book report from grade school.

That sounds like most shit on the internet, don’t it?

Let’s see here…

[insert beep boop scouring the www for info gif]

Step 1

Of course, wikiHow has an article on writing reviews, and straight away, I like the suggestion of beginning with an interesting scene from the movie. That’s some hardcore English 1102 right there. Hook your readers, my friends, and you’re on your way. Of course, if you start every review like this, chances are you’ll lose most people’s interest after the third or fourth go, but hey! there are a few billion people on the internet these days. You really only need that .oo1% to be a rockstar.

Step 2

Edusson and papersowl offer your basic “you’re only looking up how to write a movie review because your teacher told you to” instructions. Which is fine. It’ll get you there if you’re looking for mediocrity. Essaybasics actually goes a step beyond the basics by offering some sample reviews you won’t find on wikiHow. Always good to get a look at a finished product for comparison. But…

Ya know what?

Just use wikiHow’s article on writing movie reviews, and if you really want to kick some ass, check out Grammarly’s take on the whole thing, too. Some really good content questions to ask one’s self, such as “If I omit this, and a reader later learns it elsewhere, will they feel like I blew it?

I’d like to point this out: the only reason I don’t recommend following Grammarly’s guide? The layout isn’t structured like a how-to. They’re better than that. But I like my step-by-step instructions to have some step-by-step instructions. That way when I veer off course, I can aim my middle finger at the specific someone/something I’m veering away from.

Ready… Set…

Hold yer horses, Cowboy. I just spent 20 minutes deep-diving this shiz. I need a minute to reset my brain and decide which movie I’m gonna pick apart first.


This is the trilogy of what-the-fucks that sent me on this here journey, and if I were smart, I’d do ’em in order. But mama didn’t raise no genius, so I gotta fret some for no good reason. Plus, it gives me an excuse to tease you a little bit, and ain’t that what good article writing is all about?***

(listed in reverse viewing order)

Up In The Air (2009)
George “Sparticus” Clooney
Vera “Damn, girl” Farmiga
Anna “Quirk AF” Kendrick
7 Chinese Brothers (2015)
Jason “Hipster Bill Murray” Schwartzman
Olympia “I should know who that is” Dukakis
Tunde “Look this guy up, y’all” Adebimpe
Visioneers (2008)
Zach Galifiawhatsit
Judy “Yowza” Greer
D.W. “Always the douche” Moffett

And Then Some

You’ll notice these movies are all of a type. I was apparently in a mood. The next batch will be something more interesting, probably. Or maybe not. Sure won’t be a fucking superhero flick, I’ll tell ya that much.

Maybe I’ll tell you why I hate superhero flicks. That might be something.

For now, according to every damn article on how to write a movie review, I have to go back and rewatch all three of these movies, taking notes the whole damn time, and research the people who made them so I don’t look like a complete jackass when I pretend to know what the hell I’m on about.

We’ll see how it goes. I’m due for a nap any time now.

***Seriously, I don’t know why I slipped so hard into the Southern accent thing today. It’s kind of fun, though.

Engage The Hofflebrock

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