Category: Comedy

LOSE WEIGHT FAST – 1 weird trick they don’t want you to know.

Are you tired of fad diets that claim to help you shed lbs with things like “eating well” and “exercising”?

With this one weird trick, your worries are over!

Now introducing

TIME TRAVEL®

For as little as 4 easy payments of $314,159.26, we’ll send you into the future (YES! The FUTURE) to our facilities at SUNTECH LABS where you will receive the cutting edge weightloss treatment: CLONE-AWAY!

We’ll sedate you, use our space aged alien technology to make you anew, and we’re able to have you home by dinner!*

AND THAT’S NOT ALL!

For a limited time,

FREE** RETURN TRIP

ACT NOW!

*Suntech Labs cannot guarantee which dinner

**Free Return Trip (market value $5.3 mil) for qualified individuals being sold into slavery to our alien overlords for a period of no more than 589 years (anti-aging included!)

The Correct Way to Hold a Spatula

The Correct Way to Hold a Spatula: A How-to for Both Professional Cookers and the Not, This is Easy to be Reading Text and Shall Have Instructed Your Hands on Their Journeyment Through to the Flapping of Fewer Jacks if You Should So Desire.

 

Firstly and mostly, there is a rumor out floating abound that means you should have been holding a spatula with an upturned fist, like so.

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Well, my friendly miser, I tell you that this is incorrectly done as such. It is to be pinching with the floodle – that’s the name of the handle – pinch it in between your middle and ringer fingers, see?

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and then you should be wrapping your hand around that floodle – say it with me now: Floodle. Floodle. Good. – wrap those hands around in both of each of the directions.

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Close up that gappy with your thumb there, and you’re in busy bees. You’ll be scraping dinner from the ceiling in no time half.

[insert hecklesyeah.mp4]

Now that you have to be getting yourself firmly comfortable with our patented Spatulator grip, I will tell you how to be going about making the pansnakes. Did my mouth say snakes? I must be halving a stroke, my crumple mix-em-ups. I floundered countless gravy while crowdfunding my last disaster.

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Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

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Wow, you’re doing great!

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That golden beauty could be on the frontish cover of Spatularata Magazine!

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Twice! Twice, can you believe it!

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Wow. Just Wow.

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Already, my hangled bambler, you should have been completing this disher several minutes prior. Hopefulating that you’ve learned something today, and as always, Conflatulatory gracious in the grand Spatulutions, and this does do not have representatives of Spatulica Inc. LLC ABC. All Rights Reserved Inagodadavita.

 

Good some day,

The Hofflebrock.